Supporting someone who is in active addiction can feel like walking a tightrope. The constant fear of a wrong step that leads to further enabling their descent or guilt over feeling like the “bad guy” for setting hard boundaries. If you’ve been finding yourself asking, “Am I helping them or hurting them?” then this blog is for you. The line between supporting and enabling isn’t always clear. But knowing which is which can make all the difference when comes to finally finding recovery.
Enabling is any behavior that unintentionally (or intentionally) supports or continues someone’s addiction. It’s usually done out of a misplaced sense of love, fear, or trying to protect a loved one from pain. The hard truth about enabling behavior is that it only prolongs the cycle of substance abuse and delays any opportunity to heal.
What enabling looks like in practice can vary. Maybe you called in sick for your husband because they were too hungover to go into the office. You might think you were being helpful and protecting them from potentially getting fired. But in reality you’re preventing them from facing the consequences of their actions.
Ever paid someone’s rent to keep them from getting evicted or covered their bills so they wouldn’t have their utilities shut off? They couldn’t pay those bills because they’d spend all their money on drugs or alcohol. That’s enabling. While these actions may feel like love, they’re no more helpful than putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The real issue isn’t resolved.
The opposite of enabling is healthy support. This kind of reinforcement empowers your loved one to take responsibility for themselves and their recovery. Healthy support is about showing compassion while setting boundaries that encourage accountability. Healthy support is having honest conversations, expressing your concerns without judgment or blame, and encouraging treatment. It’s also about clearly communicating what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate.
Healthy support is about saying, “I love you, and I’m here for you, but I can’t let your addiction control my life.” It’s a way of showing care without getting dragged into the chaos of their addiction.
Educate Yourself About Addiction
Addiction is a disease, not a choice. Learning about how addiction affects the brain can help you approach your family member with empathy instead of anger.
Addiction rewires the brain, making it incredibly difficult for someone to stop using without professional help. It’s not an issue of will power.
Have a Plan
Before starting a conversation around your loved ones addiction, think about what you want to say. Plan out what boundaries you need to set and why. Be clear, calm, and compassionate. For example, you might say, “I’m worried about you, and I want to help, but I can’t keep giving you money. Let’s work together to find a treatment option that works for you.” Having a plan can help you stay focused and prevent the conversation from escalating into an argument.
Get Professional Support
Sometimes you may need a mediator to help guide the conversation. Therapists, interventionists, and addiction treatment programs can all offer guidance. You don’t (and sometimes shouldn’t) have to do this alone. These professionals can help you navigate difficult conversations, set healthy boundaries, and find resources for your loved one.
Encourage Treatment - Without Forcing It
You can’t force sobriety on anyone. But you can gently encourage them to seek help. Offer resources, attend an intervention, or connect them with people who are in recovery. It may not work the first time but the goal is to plant seeds. Let them know that treatment is available and that you believe in their ability to recover.
Take Care of Yourself
You can’t pour from a well that’s dry. Being in the orbit of someone in active addiction is incredibly draining - both physically and emotionally. Take steps to prioritize your own mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary to be the best support system for your loved one.
Loving someone with an addiction is hard, but enabling their behavior won’t help them get better. Reach out for help, lean on your support system, and trust that change is possible - for both you and your loved one.